Return
by muldy
Summary: 'You can't be worried about me,' she said quietly. 'You can't build me things or take me on boat trips or cook me dinner. I need you to be my First Officer, nothing more.' What happened in that short turbolift trip to the bridge? (J/C)


He followed her closely as she strode quickly from the transporter towards the turbolift. He could barely keep up with her, and despite the fact he wanted to call out and ask her to slow down, he felt like perhaps she wouldn't appreciate it.

Her mood had been strange since they had heard Tuvok's voice coming through the comms but he hadn't wanted to ask, hadn't wanted to bring up the obvious question.

She waited for him in the turbolift and he hurried to catch up with her.

'Thanks,' he smiled at her, then hurriedly added, 'Captain.'

She didn't return the smile, crossing her arms as the door closed behind them, staring blankly ahead, the same blank stare she'd worn for the last 30 hours.

He watched her carefully, concerned about why she was suddenly behaving this way. It was out of character for her. She had spent all this time looking forward to getting back to Voyager and now the moment was here he was half-convinced she was about to burst into tears.

'Computer, halt turbolift,' he commanded.

She looked at him in surprise.

'What are you doing, Commander?' she asked, the irritation clear in her voice.

'I could ask you the same,' he shot back, folding his arms to mimic her posture.

'Sorry?' she looked genuinely concerned.

'You're ignoring me. You have barely said a word to me since yesterday morning, you look miserable and I'm worried about you,' he said, slightly quieter.

She went silent, a look of something akin to despair flashing across her eyes before she let out a sigh, her hands dropping to her side and her eyes to the floor.

He waited, not wanting to interrupt whatever thought process she was having.

He watched as she placed her left hand on her hip, as though trying to steady herself, taking in a deep breath before she looked back up at him.

The person who looked back up at him wasn't his Captain, but the Kathryn Janeway he had just spent weeks alone on a planet with. The one who knew how to plant tomatoes and liked to spend her spare time attempting to befriend a monkey that she had no clear way to communicate with.

The one who he had grown to love more than he would have ever thought it possible for him to love anyone.

'You can't be worried about me,' she said quietly. 'You can't build me things or take me on boat trips or cook me dinner. I need you to be my First Officer, nothing more.'

He could almost feel a wall build up around his heart and shatter in the same instant. He had known those would be the rules, but he hadn't expected her to say it out loud.

'When we step through those doors onto the Bridge, I am a Starfleet Captain and I cannot have that compromised by my personal feelings for anyone,' she continued.

'Personal feelings,' he repeated quietly.

He felt like she probably wasn't going to elaborate on it, but he needed to point out her admission anyway, since that was most likely all he was ever going to get from her.

'Please, Chakotay,' she whispered. 'This is hard enough.'

And then he understood, why she had shut him out, why she was trying to push him away, and he watched as she crossed her arms protectively in front of her chest again.

This was as difficult for her as it was him.

He wasn't the only one who had let his feelings get to him, but she had the added responsibility of having to be the one to push him away.

He wanted to fight, but he knew there was no point.

Kathryn Janeway might be fond of bending Starfleet rules, but she would never break one that she felt could compromise her ability to lead her crew home.

And he didn't want to make her life any more difficult than it already was.

But he also wanted her to know before they stepped off that turbolift exactly how he felt about the situation. He wanted her to know that if she changed her mind he would be there, waiting, the moment she wanted him to be there.

That he had been carving gifts for her in his quarters for well over a year and had just been too afraid to give any of them to her, for fear that she would outright reject his offers of affection.

That he wasn't sure he could handle that.

'This didn't start for me when we were stranded on that planet,' he spoke softly. 'And it won't end now, but I respect your decision.'

He turned back to face the door.

'Computer, resume turbolift,' he commanded.

'Computer, belay that command,' she interrupted him.

He was only halfway through turning to look at her, his mouth open to ask what she was doing, when he felt her hand on his arm and her lips pressing lightly up against his.

He stepped back, shocked that she would make such a move.

After all those weeks trying to get a reaction from her, trying to make her understand how he felt, and she chose now to kiss him?

'Kathryn…I don't understand…' he whispered.

Her hand was still firmly clenched on his arm, her eyes focused intently on chest, as though afraid to meet his eye.

And he wasn't entirely sure she was breathing.

'Kathryn?' he reached out with his hand and touched her face lightly, tilting her chin up to look at him.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered, her eyes meeting his.

And he wasn't sure if she was sorry for the kiss or sorry that she had to push him away.

Either way he shook his head in response.

'You have nothing to apologise for,' he kissed her lightly on the forehead, letting his lips hover there a moment too long before pulling away. 'I'm glad it was you I had the honour to be stranded with. I wouldn't have chosen anyone else.'

She smiled, her eyes shimmering enough that he suspected she was trying her best not to cry.

'I couldn't have asked for better company,' she replied, letting go of his arm and turning back to face the door.

He did the same.

Taking a deep breath and composing herself she spoke one last time.

'Computer, resume turbolift,' she commanded.

As they entered the bridge he watched her carefully, seeing Kathryn melt back into Captain Janeway and he smiled, despite the fact that it broke his heart knowing that was the last they would ever speak of it, she was back in her place.

And he took his seat by her side.

If he couldn't be everything he wanted for her personally, he was going to do his damn hardest to be there for her professionally.

Thankfully he knew there was a good bottle of whiskey stored somewhere in his quarters, waiting for an occasion just like this.

He glanced across at her one last time as they moved away from New Earth.

She didn't look at him, but he saw the glistening in her eyes as their temporary home disappeared from the viewscreen.

He wanted to reach out and take her hand, but he knew better.

Instead he spoke quietly.

'Back towards home.'

She looked at him, a soft smile on her face.

'Towards home,' she repeated, then stood up. 'I'll be in my Ready Room, I have a lot to catch up on.'

And with that she was gone.

He sighed.

It was going to be a long journey home.


End file.
